Where I Stand??

I'm so confused, I'm never happy, nothing seems to be working out, I don't feel important, I feel empty and useless. Why should I go on when I have nothing to look forward to and just feel helpless like I've always been for the past 10 years in a house where nobody cares about me or my feelings? And why pretend there are people and a God who care about me when people show no interest in helping and yet I still live a miserable life with no hint of God's existence? I highly doubt him, I feel like life itself is just a hell. I don't even know why I am even alive. I'm sick of always feeling miserable, always fighting and always end up losing. I really wish I was dead. I want my pain to end. My situation feels hopeless, I've made too many mistakes, I can't start over again, my mind is messed up, I don't feel like myself, and my whole life has been a lie. There is no hope. I would sit here rambling all night but there is no point, in the end nothing's accomplished, being in this state there's really not much I can do about it, at least that's what it feels like. My whole life has been a living hell, nothing ever goes the way I would like it to be. I'm suffering without a cause and I feel like I'm living a life of vanity. Why? What did I do to deserve this? Why do I feel like the laughing stock, and nothing ever seems like it's working? I feel like I'm being tortured for someone's joy. I'm pretty sure everyone is making fun of me. I still on to hope though. What kind? I don't know. I want to believe there is more to life than this experience I'm having, but it seems unlikely. In the end, I wish maybe there maybe a life where the experience itself doesn't have to be painful and heartbreaking, that's all I ask for. But even that is too much. I just wish to die . I hate my life. ..